With all muses silent
and all musing ceased
I release my soul.
Take me down where songs are found.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
We are a group of friends engaging in thoughtful discussions of poetry, music, philosophy, and spirituality. Come, read, contribute!
Posts
4 comments:
I totally read this as a short haiku ending in the word "soul" (breaking the 5-7-5 pattern, but that's normal in the English language, which doesn't lend itself as conveniently to such syllabic verse as Japanese). And I really loved it in that form!
Then taking a second glance, I noticed the last line after the space, which I initially read as, "Take me down to the Paradise City." :)
How is this then, Mike?
"All Muses Silent
and all of my musing ceased
I release my soul"
I actually like the original with the last line removed (and the incorrect syllable count) more than the 5-7-5 version!
I do like the original posting better, and I know you've been trying to find a place for that last line for a long time. However, I find it difficult to transition between the two sections, mainly because of the differing audiences. The first "haiku" section is a general statement, no audience suggested, whereas the second line is an imperative. Who's taking you down? Who are you addressing? I think if you make that clear, you might find it flowing together better.
Post a Comment