I totally read this as a short haiku ending in the word "soul" (breaking the 5-7-5 pattern, but that's normal in the English language, which doesn't lend itself as conveniently to such syllabic verse as Japanese). And I really loved it in that form! Then taking a second glance, I noticed the last line after the space, which I initially read as, "Take me down to the Paradise City." :)
How is this then, Mike?"All Muses Silentand all of my musing ceasedI release my soul"
I actually like the original with the last line removed (and the incorrect syllable count) more than the 5-7-5 version!
I do like the original posting better, and I know you've been trying to find a place for that last line for a long time. However, I find it difficult to transition between the two sections, mainly because of the differing audiences. The first "haiku" section is a general statement, no audience suggested, whereas the second line is an imperative. Who's taking you down? Who are you addressing? I think if you make that clear, you might find it flowing together better.
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